Better Than That

Today was long. As I was putting the girls down, complacency crept in and I thought about how I had to do it all over again tomorrow--the feeding, burping, changing. Over and over again. I put the girls down with a half-hearted song and laid on my bed and started fiddling around on my phone.

I felt so ashamed. What kind of mom was I? I rushed back into their rooms and they'd already drifted off to sleep. I kissed their sweet cheeks and told them I was sorry. A few minutes later, I heard Olivia crying. I usually let them cry themselves back to sleep for a few minutes before I intervene, but this time I picked her right up and thanked Heavenly Father for an opportunity to put my baby to bed the right way. I rocked her and couldn't take my eyes off of her. I snuggled her close and took in her baby scent. These babies are perfect, ya know. Right then and there I felt such honor to be their mother. I remembered the countless times today where all I did was look at Olivia and she burst into a laugh...or when I got Kate from her nap and the smile on her face stretched from ear to ear. I promised Heavenly Father I'd be better. I promised that, as hard or as long as the day was, my reverence for motherhood wouldn't fade. That my love for these babies would trump any negative feeling. Gosh it's easy to be negative. But I'm better than that. We're all better than that.

Goodnight, sweet ones. Tomorrow will be better. I promise.

Remember When...

Robbie and I have so many memories of the first few months of the girls' lives. It is pretty amazing we remember so much, seeing as though we hardly ever slept. A true miracle, I'd say.

I remember...

-on average, the girls would wake up 3 times every night
-Robbie would send me to be at 8 so I could get a headstart on sleeping before I got up at 11 to pump and feed
-I'd wake up in the middle of the night to feed the girls, spend 45 minutes feeding one, and then wake up the other one and do it all over again (finally switched to feeding them at the same time when they were 2 months old--lifesaver!)
-I'd often nap on and off all day until 2 or 3 in the afternoon and still feel like a zombie
-5 hours of sleep was considered a good night
-Kate would drink her bottle and then I'd burp her and she'd spit up half of it
-finishing feeding the girls in the middle of the night and wanting so badly to jump back in bed, but knowing I had to pump for 20 minutes before I could
-putting the girls down at night and feeling relieved to finally have a few minutes with just Robbie...and then we'd hear a baby crying 15 minutes later
-feeling completely overwhelmed, stressed, and anxious

BUT I also remember...

-holding sleeping babies a lot because they slept all day and they were too stinking cute to put down
-crying when they first smiled because it reminded me they were human and actually might love me after all (sounds like of pathetic, but it was oh so true at the time)
-living in my pajamas and robe (super comfy!!)
-my mom showing up sometimes as early as 6:30 a.m. to take a feeding so I could sleep
-Aunt Robbie showing up with a huge box of groceries from Costco for us
-countless dinners from family and friends
-my mother-in-law driving all the way from Draper to watch the girls just so I could leave the house for a bit
-only getting ready half of the days in a given week (kind of nice to just hang out all day not caring what you look like)
-our first FHE with the girls where Robbie talked about Heavenly Father and Jesus to the girls, probably one of the sweetest things I've ever experienced